Critical Monkey! The Final Conflict!

Alright, everybody! Huddle up and unclench your bowels, the year-long nightmare is officially kaput!

Final tally:

Acceptance (seven reviews)

Lori L
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen
Roses of Glory by Mary Pershall
Spock's World by Diane Duane
A Texan's Honor by Leigh Greenwood
Star Wars: Rebel Dawn by A.C. Crispin
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer *ineligible for contention*
Love Comes Softly by Janette Oke
The Outlaws of Mesquite by Louis L'Amour

Corey Redekop
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
The Justice Riders by Chuck Norris
Jake and the Kid by W.O. Mitchell
Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins
The Stainless Steel Rat by Harry Harrison
The Murder of King Tut by James Patterson & Martin Dugard *ineligible for contention*
Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson
Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews

Jeanne
Empire of Lies by Andrew Klaven
A Merry Heart by Wanda E. Brunsetter
A Washington, D.C. by Robert J. Hensler
It's Not that I'm Bitter by Gina Barreca
Fat Girls in Lawn Chairs by Cheryl Peck
The Possessed by Elif Batuman
What's Wrong With the World by G.K. Chesterton

Scrat
Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey
Hold Tight by Harlan Coben
Double Cross by James Patterson
Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts)
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore
Lisey's Story by Stephen King
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

Steve Zipp
Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town by Stephen Leacock
A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
The Whiteoaks of Jalna by Mazo de la Roche
The Palm-Wine Drinkard by Amos Tutuola
Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens
The Navy Times Book of Submarines by Brayton Harris

Depression (six reviews)

Anger (five reviews)

Guilt (four reviews)

Bargaining (three reviews)

Betty
Generation Dead/Generation Dead: Kiss of Life by Daniel Waters
A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

gypsysmom
Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee
Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice
Nostromo by Joseph Conrad

Denial (two reviews)

Shock (one review)

Alison
On the Road by Jack Kerouac

I did not think we'd make it. Good job to everyone who made it, and to the others, well, not everyone is cut out for such extreme levels of self-torture. You are the luckiest of all.

It was truly an inspired event. We saw suffering the likes of which very few escape with scraps of sanity. At the low end, James Patterson, Chuck Norris, Stephanie Meyer, Mitch Albom, Andrew Klaven, Janette Oke, and more took their gloves off (and shoes, in Norris' case), and roundly thrashed us. On the upper tiers, Thomas Pynchon, G.K. Chesterton, Jack Kerouac, Charles Dickens, and Jane Austen tempted us with literary sweetmeats.

But we need a winner: I promised a signed copy of my opus Shelf Monkey to one unlucky individual so filled with loathing for his or herself that they would actually finish this evil little enterprise. So, I'll just place all the completed contestants in a hat, shuffle them up a bit, and the winner is...

Lori!

Congratulations, Lori, you have truly earned this meager prize. I wish I had a medal to contribute, but you'll just have to wear your unabashed pride around to compensate. Well done indeed, my lady, well done. I'll get in touch with you for an address.

Now, the burning question: will there be a Critical Monkey Part 2? At this point, no. This was an experiment to force myself to read the books I make fun of, and I think I made my point. What that point really is, I have no idea, but I certainly made it.

The fact is, I'm a lot busier than usual lately. A new job (more on that later) has eaten up a lot of my energy, and posting has become a bit of a chore as it is. I may resurect the concept in the future, or do something entirely new, but for now, I'm going to hide and lick my wounds for a bit. I heartily recommend you join John Mutford's Canadian Book Challenge, if you're looking for a new challenge, and after all, I stole the concept from him anyway.

And so, I bid all of you adieu. Not really, I mean, I'm still around, technically.

Peace out, y'all.

Critical Monkey! Update the eleventh!

Eleven months? Did I read that right? Is it almost over?

Acceptance (seven reviews)

Lori L
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen
Roses of Glory by Mary Pershall
Spock's World by Diane Duane
A Texan's Honor by Leigh Greenwood
Star Wars: Rebel Dawn by A.C. Crispin
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer *ineligible for contention*
Love Comes Softly by Janette Oke
The Outlaws of Mesquite by Louis L'Amour

Corey Redekop
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
The Justice Riders by Chuck Norris
Jake and the Kid by W.O. Mitchell
Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins
The Stainless Steel Rat by Harry Harrison
The Murder of King Tut by James Patterson & Martin Dugard *ineligible for contention*
Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson
Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews

Scrat
Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey
Hold Tight by Harlan Coben
Double Cross by James Patterson
Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts)
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore
Lisey's Story by Stephen King
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

Steve Zipp
Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town by Stephen Leacock
A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
The Whiteoaks of Jalna by Mazo de la Roche
The Palm-Wine Drinkard by Amos Tutuola
Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens
The Navy Times Book of Submarines by Brayton Harris

Depression (six reviews)

Jeanne
Empire of Lies by Andrew Klaven
A Merry Heart by Wanda E. Brunsetter
A Washington, D.C. by Robert J. Hensler
It's Not that I'm Bitter by Gina Barreca
Fat Girls in Lawn Chairs by Cheryl Peck
The Possessed by Elif Batuman

Anger (five reviews)

Guilt (four reviews)

Bargaining (three reviews)

Betty
Generation Dead/Generation Dead: Kiss of Life by Daniel Waters
A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

gypsysmom
Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee
Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice
Nostromo by Joseph Conrad

Denial (two reviews)

Shock (one review)

Alison
On the Road by Jack Kerouac

Man, what a ride. I finished up my last of seven (all over but the night terrors), and Jeanne pulls up within shouting distance of the finish line. Go, baby, go! And with a little perseverance, I truly believe everyone else could make it. Suck it up, buttercup, and go for the tarnished gold!

So, now, one month to go, and the question is: will there be a second? I am . . . undecided. My life has taken a turn for the busy lately, and I think I may have to cut back on posting for awhile. So, if there is a Critical Monkey II, it'll be less of an event. But we'll see.

But back to the main point here, one month to go! Don't let yourself down, finish this damnable thing.

Critical Monkey, entry seven! Flowers in the Attic - There won't be any trips to the dentist until your grandfather dies.

So, here we are. My very last (thank the various imaginary deities) Critical Monkey challenge.

Number seven. Acceptance.

Wonderful.

Not so wonderful, actually. My choice as capper to this tournament of evil is a staple of WalMart bookshelves, Safeway impulse racks, and pre-teen girl bedside tables. The Twilight of its time. A novel of potentially limitless awfulness, especially given its refusal to die a natural death.

I give you, Flowers in the Attic!

WHY I MIGHT HATE IT: C'mon, seriously? You can't not be familiar with this book, at least in passing. Written in 1979, V.C. Andrew's debut opus - a lurid blend of budding sexuality, gothic psycho-religious overtones, abandonment issues, confinement, incest, etc. - was an instant bestseller. Andrews went on to write a new novel every year or so, all covering the same basic themes, until her death in 1986, whereupon her name was implemented as a brand, and the series continues to this day. The covers all look the same, and let's be honest, I am obviously not the target demographic.

WHY I MIGHT LIKE IT: Can't think of reason one. If I could think of a reason I might like it, it probably wouldn't make the cut for this contest.

THE VERDICT: Well, it's marginally better than Twilight, anyway, but that's more to do its propulsive narrative than its overall quality.

I've been trying to determine exactly why none of the dialogue in Flowers works. And I mean none of it. Certainly, realistic dialogue is not necessary to enjoyment, and all literature requires at least a minor suspension of disbelief. Most novels contain passages no one would ever say; the novel I'm currently reading, Tom Robbins' Another Roadside Attraction, is positively overflowing with brilliantly ridiculous dialogue impossible to accept as possible. Maybe it comes from desire; while no one would ever speak like a character in a Tom Robbins novel, I wish people could. The world would be a better place for it.

Contrast that with Flowers, with its pseudo-Victorian speech patterns that do nothing but annoy and never once approach believability. Here's a sample, a dialogue between the narrator Cathy (aged 14ish) and her brother Chris (17?):

"My God! You've made me look like a blond Prince Valiant! At first I didn't like it, but now I see you changed his style just a bit, so it isn't squared off. You've curved it, and layered it to flatter my face like a loving cup. Thank you, Catherine Doll. I had no idea you were so skilled at cutting hair."
"I have many skills you don't know about."
"I am beginning to suspect that."
"And Prince Valiant should be so lucky as to look like my handsome, manly, blond brother."

People don't talk like this, and I don't want people to talk like this. People who talk like a V.C. Andrews novel get beaten up an awful lot, I suspect. It's more entertaining than the deadly flat dialogue of Twilight, but equally bad all the same. Overwriting is Andrews' curse.

The plot, really a wonder of a soap opera, concerns the Dollanganger children. There's Cathy, the narrator; Christopher, the older brother; and Carrie and Cory, the twin babies. They exist in ridiculous happiness with their loving parents until ten pages in, when their father is killed in a car accident. High marks to Andrews for jumping right in to the action.

In a plot that challenges the definition of the word 'convoluted,' the mother must keep her children hidden from view of their grandfather. If he gets a whiff of their existence, she will be unable to claim any inheritance. She squirrels them away in an abandoned wing of his by all accounts massive mansion, where they spend years away from the outside world, tended to by a maniacal grandmother and an increasingly absent mother.

I'll give Flowers this; it does keep you reading. Andrews layers on so much ludicrous plot that, like an episode of One Life to Live, you can't help but wonder what could possibly happen next. This should not be read as a recommendation, but a warning; this is the worst sort of junk food for the mind, a soulless machine that keeps feeding you as much sugar as you crave. Oh, you'll eat, but you'll feel sick afterwards for stuffing your face. As the years (!) pass, and the children still haven't summoned up the courage to, I don't know, open the door and leave, Andrews piles on tragedy upon tragedy until the reader, along with the children, is left gasping for the pain to end.

The pain, that is, of reading it. Because Flowers is really, really bad. It gives the word 'loopy' a bad name. It's utterly stupid.

Which is why it sells, of course. It's a fantasy where children survive by their own wits against nefarious adults, set out in bleak tones readily identifiable to any morose teenage girl. And it never stops for breath, and never once does it appear that the phrase 'over-the-top' might have given Andrews pause.

But lord, is it bad. I read it, I can't unread it. The damage is done.

Still, again, better than Twilight.

VERDICT: MONKEY WEEPS AT THE THOUGHT OF 18 MORE SERIES LIKE THIS. SERIOUSLY. 18. ONE EIGHT.

And that's it. I complete my challenge. I'm, uh, going to go lie under the desk for awhile.

Critical Monkey! Update the 10th!

Ten months down, two to go!

Acceptance (seven reviews)

Lori L
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen
Roses of Glory by Mary Pershall
Spock's World by Diane Duane
A Texan's Honor by Leigh Greenwood
Star Wars: Rebel Dawn by A.C. Crispin
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer *ineligible for contention*
Love Comes Softly by Janette Oke
The Outlaws of Mesquite by Louis L'Amour

Scrat
Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey
Hold Tight by Harlan Coben
Double Cross by James Patterson
Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts)
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore
Lisey's Story by Stephen King
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

Steve Zipp
Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town by Stephen Leacock
A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
The Whiteoaks of Jalna by Mazo de la Roche
The Palm-Wine Drinkard by Amos Tutuola
Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens
The Navy Times Book of Submarines by Brayton Harris

Depression (six reviews)

Corey Redekop
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
The Justice Riders by Chuck Norris
Jake and the Kid by W.O. Mitchell
Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins
The Stainless Steel Rat by Harry Harrison
The Murder of King Tut by James Patterson & Martin Dugard *ineligible for contention*
Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson

Anger (five reviews)

Jeanne
Empire of Lies by Andrew Klaven
A Merry Heart by Wanda E. Brunsetter
A Washington, D.C. by Robert J. Hensler
It's Not that I'm Bitter by Gina Barreca
Fat Girls in Lawn Chairs by Cheryl Peck

Guilt (four reviews)

Bargaining (three reviews)

Betty
Generation Dead/Generation Dead: Kiss of Life by Daniel Waters
A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

gypsysmom
Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee
Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice
Nostromo by Joseph Conrad

Denial (two reviews)

Shock (one review)

Alison
On the Road by Jack Kerouac

As you can see, we now have three triumphant titans of terrific grit. Bravo!

Unfortunately, I let myself down this month. Due to a combination of factors, I have spent far more time on personal exploits than I have this contest. But I have chosen my final challenge: the death-defying exploits of V.C. Andrews in the one that started it all (by all, I mean all those endless, terrible-looking sequels I see dotting the bookshelves and racks at the WalMart checkout line) Flowers in the Attic.

As for the rest of you brave souls: two months left. Sixty-one days. Can you handle it?

Critical Monkey! Update the 9th!

Wow, what a roller coaster of a month! Two completions! Two survivors! Two participants of iron will, joining the ranks of the immortals! So exciting, I can't even form coherent hyperbole to adequately describe it!! Must resort to extra exclamation marks to express pleasure!!!!

Let's go to the stats:

Acceptance (seven reviews)

Lori L
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen
Roses of Glory by Mary Pershall
Spock's World by Diane Duane
A Texan's Honor by Leigh Greenwood
Star Wars: Rebel Dawn by A.C. Crispin
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer *ineligible for contention*
Love Comes Softly by Janette Oke
The Outlaws of Mesquite by Louis L'Amour

Steve Zipp
Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town by Stephen Leacock
A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
The Whiteoaks of Jalna by Mazo de la Roche
The Palm-Wine Drinkard by Amos Tutuola
Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens
The Navy Times Book of Submarines by Brayton Harris

Depression (six reviews)

Corey Redekop
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
The Justice Riders by Chuck Norris
Jake and the Kid by W.O. Mitchell
Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins
The Stainless Steel Rat by Harry Harrison
The Murder of King Tut by James Patterson & Martin Dugard *ineligible for contention*
Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson

Anger (five reviews)

Jeanne
Empire of Lies by Andrew Klaven
A Merry Heart by Wanda E. Brunsetter
A Washington, D.C. by Robert J. Hensler
It's Not that I'm Bitter by Gina Barreca
Fat Girls in Lawn Chairs by Cheryl Peck

Scrat
Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey
Hold Tight by Harlan Coben
Double Cross by James Patterson
Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts)
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore

Guilt (four reviews)

Bargaining (three reviews)

Betty
Generation Dead/Generation Dead: Kiss of Life by Daniel Waters
A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

Denial (two reviews)

gypsysmom
Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee
Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice

Shock (one review)

Alison
On the Road by Jack Kerouac

First off, congrats to Steve and Lori, our two fightin' centurions of literary merit. Steve made up for losing Canada Also Reads (and my respect) with a sterling non-fiction look at submarines, and Lori takes on a classic oater. As well, Betty and Scrat both took on books of a biblical bent, Jeanne attempted a little-known (by me, anyway) memoir, and I took to the high seas with a childhood staple.

As promised, I have an ARC of Alan Bradley's The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag available to anyone who wrote a review this month, which gives us a pool of five. And the winner is...

Jeanne! Whoo! Whaa! Wheee! Whuuu! Whiii! Jeanne, I'll contact you for your address.

And three months left to go. Who will be next to finish this horserace of utter futility? I'm betting on me, but I'm lazy, so someone could take third place of the tried.

But I only need one. When I started this, I wanted to force myself to not only read authors I've never read before, but to read the novels I prejudge as being 'awful' based on nothing more than my own unfocused rage. I'm not sure I've done that, not for every selection. Certainly, I always assumed I'd like Harry Harrison. I have violated one of my core principles, and for that, I must be self-punished.

I hereby promise that my next, and final, selection will be something I have been loathing to read. I cannot name it here, because frankly, I do not know the title. I will scour the shelves of my local public library and, rest assured, I will come up with something so potentially damaging it could endanger my very spirit. I am looking for something, in the words of Clive Barker's Pinhead, that will tear my soul apart.

Critical Monkey entry #6 - Treasure Island - “The secret has been told to the parrot.”

Having suffered mightily at the hands of James Patterson and his abysmal King Tut “non-fiction” meanderings (I still don’t have peripheral vision in my left eye), the Critical Monkey had to take a well-earned rest for a bit. But time heals some wounds, although not altogether cleanly. There is still a scar on my soul, and I find I cannot bear to try and conquer another bottomless pit of despair just yet.

So instead, I’m going old-school. 19th century old, to be precise. I’m taking to the high seas to read a youthful classic I have somehow avoided up to now:

Treasure Island
by Robert Louis Stevenson (1883)

Why I might like it: As per the rules, I have never read Stevenson, nor have I watched any of the cinematic adaptations of Treasure Island (not even the Muppets version). I have, however, greatly enjoyed the movie versions of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (the Frederic March version in particular) and The Body Snatcher. And there must be something to it; Treasure Island is a novel that has withstood the test of time and has entered the lexicon and popular culture. You may not have read the book, but if you haven't heard of Long John Silver, you must be living in a cave or something, and should really get out more.

Why I might hate it: I hold no particular affinity for pirate stuff, or novels about seafaring. This doesn’t go for films: I enjoyed Pirates of the Caribbean (all three movies, actually), I can watch The Sea Hawk endlessly, I love submarine films, I'll never get tired of Gregory Peck battling giant whales, and I consider the movie version of Master and Commander to be one of the great ignored classics of the 21st century. But reading and watching are entirely different things, and frankly, I find most of my readings to date on naval goings-ons to be as dull as dirt (and I include pretty much half of Moby Dick in this). I claim no expertise on the matter, I do not mean to malign artists or their craft (I really should read at least one Patrick O’Brian), and I fall back purely on my own ignorance of the genre.

The verdict: Fun. Not earthshattering, not spectacular, but a decent-enough adventure novel for the younger set.

The plot is standard adventure story boiler-plate, but considering the age of the text, I’ll give it a little leeway for a lack of originality. Jim Hawkins is a young lad bound for adventure, chosen by circumstance to join a gang of buccaneers on their search for buried treasure. While consumed with the headstrongedness of youth, he’s also savvy enough to survive many scrapes that would kill lesser boys. Or men. I admit to being unprepared for Stevenson’s body count, quite high considering the novel’s reputation as a classic of young adult literature. I thought this might be because it was written more for adults, but as it was apparently written first as a serial for Young Folks magazine, I guess that people gave kids a little more credit than they do now. Still, I rarely hear of challenges to Treasure Island, but I guess that’s because killing is fine, but finding love among one’s own gender, now that's unacceptable (sorry, editorializing).

For a young adult novel, Treasure Island has a surprisingly malleable take on morality, embodied through Silver's handling of events. Most of the pirates take rather a bleak view of mankind; as the two-timing Israel Hands eloquently puts it:

For thirty years...I’ve sailed the seas, and seen good and bad, better and worse, fair weather and foul, provisions running out, knives going, and what not. Well, now I tell you, I never seen good come o’ goodness yet. Him as strikes first is my fancy; dead men don’t bite; them’s my views—amen, so be it.

Silver, however, twists and turns all people to his advantage, but somehow still ends up on top. He's not all evil, just opportunistic, which is some instances is even worse. At least with evil, you know where you stand. It is this flexibility of moral coding, as well as the theory that a gentleman's word is his bond and honour, that adds a weird ethical ambiguity little seen to such an extent in young adult literature.

Yet as the pages flipped by, I admit to a fair degree of boredom on my part; this despite the presence of copious amounts of pirates and pirate-related mayhem. Jim may be a daring avatar for a younger reader, but to an adult he reads as woefully one-dimensional; shrewd and capable, yes, but as a character he's rather flat. The adults are either upper-class English types or roguish layabouts, and while the latter is infinitely more preferable to read about, neither group (outside of Silver) is much fun. I also am perplexed by the reputation of some of the characters; I had heard of Blind Pew before, and on the rear cover of the book jacket Pew is described as being evil incarnate. But he's barely in the novel, he's dead long before the actual seafaring begins, and while he's undeniably unpleasant, I fail to see why he has garnered any reputation at all.

I'm glad I read it, though, even if I was underwhelmed, and I'll put Dr. Jekyll on my list, as I'd like to see how Stevenson wrote for adults.

THE MONKEY IS SO-SO, BUT HE SURVIVED, SO LET'S CALL THIS ONE A WIN

Critical Monkey! Update the 8th!

Before we begin the 8th Update of Critical Monkey, I would like to send a personal shout-out to our very own Steve Zipp. Steve is the author of Yellowknife, a terrific slice of twisted Canadian absurdity that is currently being argued for in the National Post's counter-programming to Canada Reads, Canada Also Reads. I won't get into a rant on the merits of Canada Read's choices here - too much has been said already, and by smarter people than me. I'll leave it at this: the point of Canada Reads was to get Canadians to read certain books. Books that have been huge best-sellers and/or trend-setting game changers should be ineligible on the face of it, regardless of that book's individual merits. If 'everybody' has already read a book, why push it again?

The Post has put together a wonderful mix of novels to argue over, and Steve's debut work made the list. But Steve has his work cut out for him - check out the list of nominees and defenders:

• Writer and critic Steven Beattie defends My White Planet by Mark Anthony Jarman

• Author Tish Cohen defends The Day The Falls Stood Still by Cathy Marie Buchanan

• Singer/songwriter Andy Maize defends Best Laid Plans by Terry Fallis

• Poet Jacob McArthur Mooney defends The Last Shot by Leon Rooke

• Author Lisa Pasold defends You And The Pirates by Jocelyne Allen

• Author Neil Smith defends Come Thou Tortoise by Jessica Grant

• Author Zoe Whittall defends Fear of Fighting by Stacey May Fowles

Man, that is some harsh competition. Defending Yellowknife is John Mutford, a blogger and well-rounded person with excellent taste in literature. John's heartfelt defense, with nods to Mikhail Bulgakov, can be found here.

I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing Steve good luck, and only my crushing depression at not being nominated myself keeps me from sending him a poke on Facebook.

And now - the leaderboard!

Acceptance (seven reviews)

Depression (six reviews)

Lori L
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen
Roses of Glory by Mary Pershall
Spock's World by Diane Duane
A Texan's Honor by Leigh Greenwood
Star Wars: Rebel Dawn by A.C. Crispin
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer *ineligible for contention*
Love Comes Softly by Janette Oke

Steve Zipp
Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town by Stephen Leacock
A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
The Whiteoaks of Jalna by Mazo de la Roche
The Palm-Wine Drinkard by Amos Tutuola
Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens

Anger (five reviews)

Corey Redekop
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
The Justice Riders by Chuck Norris
Jake and the Kid by W.O. Mitchell
Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins
The Stainless Steel Rat by Harry Harrison
The Murder of King Tut by James Patterson & Martin Dugard *ineligible for contention*

Guilt (four reviews)

Jeanne
Empire of Lies by Andrew Klaven
A Merry Heart by Wanda E. Brunsetter
A Washington, D.C. by Robert J. Hensler
It's Not that I'm Bitter by Gina Barreca

Scrat
Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey
Hold Tight by Harlan Coben
Double Cross by James Patterson
Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts)

Bargaining (three reviews)

Denial (two reviews)

Betty
Generation Dead/Generation Dead: Kiss of Life by Daniel Waters
A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks

gypsysmom
Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee
Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice

Shock (one review)

Alison
On the Road by Jack Kerouac

Wow, Depression has been achieved by two contestants! The aforementioned Steve breaks through with the high-toned effort of Charles Dickens, and Lori cracks the barrier by reading (and enjoying) a Janette Oke! Coming up fast on the outside is Scrat, suffering through the mild indignities of Nora Robert's alter-ego.

As for myself - a bad month, I fear. I started reading a Richard Marcinko, but had to stop for fear the testosterone that filled the pages would leak out and stain my carpet. I simply could not read past ten pages of the garbage. I lack the strength, The Murder of King Tut really did a number on me. Honestly, I think it may have harmed my soul. I plan to rejuvenate myself with a trip back to childhood to read a classic that escaped my eyes: next up, Treasure Island!

Now, I didn't have a prize for this update, but I'm going to throw in an ARC of Alan Bradley's The Weed that Strings the Hangman's Bag for the next month. All new entries will be eligible.

Four more months, everyone! Can we all meet the deadline?

Good luck, and god save us all.

Critical Monkey! Update the 7th!

Man, what a month! Two disqualified entries, new reviews from four contestents, a newbie with three(!) reviews in one month, and a whole lotta pain and misery.

Bring it on!

Acceptance (seven reviews)

Depression (six reviews)

Anger (five reviews)

Lori L
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen
Roses of Glory by Mary Pershall
Spock's World by Diane Duane
A Texan's Honor by Leigh Greenwood
Star Wars: Rebel Dawn by A.C. Crispin
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer *ineligible for contention*

Corey Redekop
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
The Justice Riders by Chuck Norris
Jake and the Kid by W.O. Mitchell
Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins
The Stainless Steel Rat by Harry Harrison
The Murder of King Tut by James Patterson & Martin Dugard *ineligible for contention*

Steve Zipp
Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town by Stephen Leacock
A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
The Whiteoaks of Jalna by Mazo de la Roche
The Palm-Wine Drinkard by Amos Tutuola

Guilt (four reviews)

Jeanne
Empire of Lies by Andrew Klaven
A Merry Heart by Wanda E. Brunsetter
A Washington, D.C. by Robert J. Hensler
It's Not that I'm Bitter by Gina Barreca

Bargaining (three reviews)

Scrat
Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey
Hold Tight by Harlan Coben
Double Cross by James Patterson

Denial (two reviews)

Betty
Generation Dead/Generation Dead: Kiss of Life by Daniel Waters
A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks

gypsysmom
Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee
Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice

Shock (one review)

Alison
On the Road by Jack Kerouac

First off, welcomes go out to Scrat with three reviews in the space of a month. Way to raise the bar for the rest of us. Or lower, I'm not sure. Anyway, good job, and I share your pain on the James Patterson. And kudos to Steve Zipp (winner of last month's signed copy of Mark Rayner's The Amadeus Net) for keeping us relatively highbrow with another discerning entry. And good job for me, for keeping my sanity after The Murder of King Tut had me gnashing my teeth in despair. Big ups as well for Lori, who kept herself honest and removed her critique of Twilight from contention, even though it probably cost her a few years of her lifespan.

And now, the big draw of the month for all new reviews, an ARC copy of Jasper Fforde's Shades of Grey goes to: SCRAT! Big shock, she loaded the deck. Congrats, and I'll get that in the mail as soon as I get a mailing address from you.

Only five months to go! Who will survive? Who will fall by the wayside? Who writes this stuff?

Critical Monkey entry #5 - The Stainless Steel Rat

After my last foray into forbidden territory led to nightmares and despair over the state of my mortal soul, I retreat to seemingly more moderate climes. Will I survive? Thrive, even? Read on...

The Stainless Steel Rat
by Harry Harrison (1961)

Why I might like it: I have come across references to SSR a number of times over the years. As an impressionable youngster, I was captivated by the pulpy cover that stared out at me from the paperback racks of the local Safeway. Being young, and unware of the concept of metaphors, I imagined that the title was literal, and there was indeed a robotic rat roaming the world somewher. As the years passed, my grasp of metaphors grew, but my interest in the novel faded, only revived when I chanced upon a copy of Harry Harrison's novel Bill, the Galactic Hero on the Planet of Zombie Vampires (a novel later disowned by Harrison, being actually written by Jack C. Haldeman II and only marginally based on a reputedly far superior original novel and character of Harrison's). Harrison, while I am unfamiliar with his work, is somewhat of a science-fiction icon, with near sixty releases, including Make Room! Make Room!, the novel that the cult classic movie Soylent Green is based on, and which automatically now goes on my TBR pile. He's also now, at the age of 84, working on the 11th Stainless Steel Rat novel, The Stainless Steel Rat Returns.

Why I might hate it: No reason. It has a good pedigree, and a fair number of admirers (but then, so does Twilight, so we can't go by that). It's clear that Harrison has had a lasting talent; I'm expecting a fun read, but beyond that, who knows? Maybe I should have taken on something more obviously not to my tastes, but after the spasms of reading Left Behind had finally passed (not to mention an unfortunate bout of glossolalia), I had to step back and tackle something that was not, on the face of it, going to cause internal parasites to feast on my innards.

The verdict: Phew, a good one. Really good, in point of fact, a prime piece of pulp. I can understand why this became a series.

James Bolivar diGriz is, in his own terminology, a "stainless steel rat," a criminal working in a future society that very rarely comes across a criminal element anymore. "We are the rats in the wainscoting of society - we operate outside of their barriers and outside of their rules...It is a proud and lonely thing to be a stainless steel rat - and it is the greatest experience in the galaxy if you can get away with it." drGriz is a natural born criminal, and he is exceedingly good at his job.

Not so good that he doesn't get pinched, however, and forced into employment with the Special Corps, an intergalactic intelligence agency that hires people with diGriz's special talents to ferret out others with the same mindset. diGriz finds himself taking to his new job, and soon finds himself racing across the galaxy after a criminal mastermind who has procurred a space war ship and isn't afraid to use it.

There isn't a lot of excess plot or introspection to SSR; it zips along from plot-point to plot-point with near-light speed, counting on the charisma of the narrator to keep the reader balanced. There are some salient points scattered about concerning individual freedoms and the dangers of over-dependence on governmental authority, but Harrison is far more concerned with derring-do. SSR is primarily an adventure novel, and Harrison never pretends that his story is meant to do anything but keep you entertained.

And why shouldn't that be enough? There's more than enough bad pulp out there, so we should celebrate good pulp when we find it. diGriz is an engaging and resourceful lead character (as I said, I can see why this series has stretched to eleven novels), and the narrative never lets up. SSR is meant to be nothing more or less than fun, and it succeeds admirably, on the scale of some of Robert Heinlein's peppier works. In the end, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and it doesn't linger long after completion, but the trek was memorable while it lasted.

MONKEY WOULD CONSIDER READING MORE OF THESE.

Critical Monkey! Update the half-year gone! Can you handle six more months? How much torture can one person withstand?

Half-way through. Whoooo! Wheeet! Whaat!

Seriously, I am proud of all of you, you have taken up the challenge and run with it. It's not easy confronting one's demons, but there is a certain cleansing that goes along with the experience (of the bowels, if not the soul). And we still have six months to go, and there are two more possible contestants currently girding up their innards with extra fibre to have a go at it. They've got some catching up to do, but if there is one thing I have learned so far from this exercise in masochism, it's that the human mind can take a lot of pain.

So, let's take a look at the big board!

Acceptance (seven reviews)

Depression (six reviews)

Anger (five reviews)

Lori L
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen
Roses of Glory by Mary Pershall
Spock's World by Diane Duane
A Texan's Honor by Leigh Greenwood
Star Wars: Rebel Dawn by A.C. Crispin

Guilt (four reviews)

Corey Redekop
Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
The Justice Riders by Chuck Norris
Jake and the Kid by W.O. Mitchell
Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins

Steve Zipp
Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town by Stephen Leacock
A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
The Whiteoaks of Jalna by Mazo de la Roche

Bargaining (three reviews)

Jeanne
Empire of Lies by Andrew Klaven
A Merry Heart by Wanda E. Brunsetter
A Washington, D.C. by Robert J. Hensler

Denial (two reviews)

Betty
Generation Dead/Generation Dead: Kiss of Life by Daniel Waters
A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks

gypsysmom
Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee
Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice

Shock (one review)

Alison
On the Road by Jack Kerouac

As you can plainly see, we have a good, solid mix of highbrow art fare that everyone claims to read and love (Jane Austen and Stephen Hawking), and lowdown dirty bile that we should all be ashamed to have checked out of the library (Andrew Klaven, Chuck Norris(!)). What, you think I liked anyone knowing I was reading Left Behind? I'd much rather sit in a coffee shop perusing the latest issue of Sex Cauldron than have people think I'd willingly read LaHaye.

And now, as promised, a drawing to reward you for all your hard work. This month's prize? A signed copy of Canadian author (and Canada Also Reads longlist candidate) Mark A. Rayner's enjoyably strange sci-fi opus The Amadeus Net.

And the winner is:

Steve Zipp! And Steve is also a longlist contender for his novel Yellowknife! Oh, his cup runneth all over the place!

Steve, I will contact you about your mailing info, and get Mark to send you out a copy post-haste. As for the others? Well, I've got an ARC of Jasper Fforde's new novel Shades of Grey just begging for a home. Next month, all new reviews get entered for the draw.

As for myself, I believe that I am still suffering from post-rapture fatigue, so I'm going in a different direction from the usual punishing fare. Instead, I've tracked down a copy of a novel I've always wanted to read since I was an overly-impressionable teen. The Stainless Steel Rat awaits!

See you in a month!

Critical Monkey! Update the fifth! Seven contestants, no waiting!

Man, five months down, seven to go. Seems like an eternity, doesn't it?

And now, the stats! Survey says:

Acceptance (seven reviews)

Depression (six reviews)

Anger (five reviews)

Guilt (four reviews)

Corey Redekop

• Twilight by Stephenie Meyer
• The Justice Riders by Chuck Norris
• Jake and the Kid by W.O. Mitchell
• Left Behind by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins

Lori L

• Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen
• Roses of Glory by Mary Pershall
• Spock's World by Diane Duane
• A Texan's Honor by Leigh Greenwood

Steve Zipp

• Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
• Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town by Stephen Leacock
• A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
• The Whiteoaks of Jalna by Mazo de la Roche

Bargaining (three reviews)

Denial (two reviews)

gypsysmom

• Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee
• Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice

Jeanne

• Empire of Lies by Andrew Klaven
• A Merry Heart by Wanda E. Brunsetter

Shock (one review)

Alison

• On the Road by Jack Kerouac

Betty

• Generation Dead/Generation Dead: Kiss of Life by Daniel Waters

So we've got three people at the Guilt stage (comin' up on Anger), a few new reviews, and one spankin' new entrant (welcome, Alison!). Looks like a good group. With strong stomachs.

But we've still got seven months to go. Remember, all new reviews between the last update and next months' put you in the running to win a signed copy of Canadian author Mark Rayner's oddball sci-fi epic The Amadeus Net.

So okay ramblers, let's get rambing. Nut up, buttercup, times a'wastin'.

Critical Monkey Entry #4 — Left Behind: Ouch! My soul!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please take your seats for the main event!

In this corner, wearing the beige tights and the quizzical look on his face, the always intense and banana enthusiast Critical Monkey! *Wild applause*

And in this corner, wearing the 'what were we thinking?' eighties ensemble, former television sitcom teen heart-throb turned wacko beyond human comprehension (and also banana enthusiast) Kirk Cameron! *Somewhat more muted applause*

Watch as these two titans battle it out for supremacy in the ring. Two will enter, one will leave, no quarter asked, none taken! All this in Critical Monkey: The Thunderdome Edition!

The stakes: only your immortal soul!

Left Behind
by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins

Jesus wouldn't have been the one who was thirsty. He would not have been the one who wished to take the water of life. That, Rayford assumed, referred to the reader. It struck him that he was thirsty, soul thirsty. But what was the water of life?

Why I might hate it: Well, the movie was one of the most atrocious things I ever forced myself to sit through (at least it was a library rental - no loss of money involved). I have an allergy to all things Kirk Cameron, but even excepting his non-presence (seriously, the guy makes Jim Caviezel look riveting), the film was a hopeless mess of poor acting, ridiculous dialogue, and religious speechifying. Maybe it's not fair to judge a novel based on an actor in a film, but whoever said the blogosphere was fair. The Left Behind series as a whole is considered far-right fundamentalist nonsense (although by the Glenn Beck Insanity-o-meter, it's almost sane). Much has been written about its intolerance and borderline-racism, and much more has been written about how absolutely atrocious the writing is.

Why I might like it: Maybe it falls into the 'so bad it's good' camp? Maybe? Please?

Verdict: Much as I hate to resort to such an awful pun, Left Behind is godawful.

In his collection Four Past Midnight, author Stephen King wrote a tight little novella entitled 'The Langoliers.' It concerned itself with a small group of people who had fallen asleep on an aircraft, only to awaken and discover that everyone else on board had mysteriously vanished. It wasn't one of his better stories (the know-it-all mystery author was a little much), but King is a sure hand when it comes to wringing maximum terror from outlandish situations. The scenario is absurd, but over 200 or so pages, King achieves a surprising amount of gut-clenching suspense over the predicament. His characters are strong, the dialogue is heightened yet believeable, and the plot device (waking up abandoned and alone) is so universal that a suspension of disbelief was easily achieved.

Flash-forward five years, when Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins (hereafter L&J) release the first volume of their Rapture epic Left Behind. Like 'The Langoliers,' it begins on an airplane where a segment of the passengers have mysteriously vanished. However, rather unlike King's pulpy good time, L&J take an astounding, brain-shattering event and treat the disappearance of passengers with all the astonishment of passengers not wanting a second helping of peanuts. That is to say, there is zero tension in the narrative from the get-go. And it does not get better.

It must be said, L&J have come up with a plotline that, while derivative of hundreds of post-apocalyptic scenarios, can't fail but grab your attention. Religious catastrophes are ripe for excitement; Stephen King (sorry to go back to the King well twice, but its apt here) penned an enormously entertaining epic titled The Stand about just such events, with most of humanity whittled away by plague, and the survivors being maneuvered by God to fight a monstrous evil. It would appear that the Rapture (for that is what L&J are going for here) should be ideal fodder for such ripping yarns.

Two problems with the execution of this idea: one, Left Behind is poorly written, with dull plotting and characterizations so flat as to be zero-dimensional, and two (and somehow even worse), Left Behind is boring.

It is a fair statement to say that Left Behind is marginally better written than, say, Twilight (written on the level of an enthusiastic teenager writing fan fiction), but it's also fair to say that Whoppers are better than Big Macs, or that According to Jim is better than The War at Home. To put it in simpler terms, better crap is still crap. And while Left Behind is not laden with the howlers that filled the pages of Twilight - although it certainly does not avoid them altogether: at one point, a taxi driver asks the character if Buck what he thinks of the disappearances that have swept the globe; Buck replies "Funny that you should ask." Funny? Millions of people have disappeared, and that's what you say? How is anyone NOT talking about it? - its writing is as poor and uninspired as the most generic of childrens' fiction. It's basically competent to a point, but there is absolutely nothing worthy of note in its style or presentation. It is a damp paper towel of a novel, soggy and disposable.

The characters are generic cutouts with little to distinguish between them except their names and occupations. Rayford is a pilot, Buck is a reporter, Hattie and Chloe are women, and all are just intrepid enough (and biblically inclined) to see through the disguise of antichrist-on-the-rise Nicholae Carpathia (a name that ranks only second to J.K. Rowling's Lucius Malfoy on the 'why didn't you just get it over with and name him Evil McBadguy already' sweepstakes). The men are all the movers and shakers, and the women are there to support them. This is one of the more disturbing aspects of the overall plot; men are the instigators, and women do barely more than act as background. Not once is any female character given more to do than worry about the men, and never do the authors present the events from their point of view.

So it's not good literature, or good fiction, or good fun, or even bad fun. So what is it? Considered that no character talks when they can speechify, this is evangelism in the barest form of fiction. Sure, all authors have agendas, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Just because I don't share the author's viewpoint doesn't mean I can't enjoy it on its own terms, right? If it were enjoyable at all. Which it is not. It doesn't even challenge the reader with its views, because its overall presentation is along the lines of 'preaching to the converted.'

I admit that there is much troubling about all this. Much has been written from far right religious factions as to the inherent dangers of Rowling's Harry Potter series of books for children. They claim that they promote witchcraft, and destroy the innocent readers' minds, or something equally nonsensical. But why should one story of magic and evil be verboten, while another something to be praised? I would bet good money that Rowling does not believe that what happens in her novels could happen, and neither do her readers. But L&J have gone on record as being firm believers in many of the novel's events and in the possibility of biblical rapture, and many readers of Left Behind await the events that occur in its pages with the passion of the zealot. I find much to fear in people that fervently believe in the actual occurrence of magical events if it suits their own needs, but condemn such ideas if they don't match their belief systems. One is finding enjoyment though imagination; the other is indoctrination through fear-mongering.

But regardless of this (and please, no diatribes on my comments, I'll just delete them) Left Behind is poorly-written pulp, not even strong enough to be mildly entertaining. LaHaye and Jenkins take an admittedly strong plot device and do absolutely nothing with it save preach to their base. It is awful, just awful. The Rapture itself could not be any worse.

MONKEY SHUDDERS AT THE THOUGHT OF FIFTEEN MORE OF THESE