May 24, 2009

Monkey droppings - The Strain: Were vampires ever scary?

Curl up, boys and girls, and I'll tell you a story of the long ago time.

It was an innocent time. A time when being a monster meant something. A time when a monster could actually scare someone. A time when the possibility of getting the blood sucked from your body was greeted with something akin to revulsion or, even better, horror. A time when vampires ruled the night, and you were forever running home after the sun set for fear of running into a thirsty bloodsucker.

Alas, young'uns, but those times are pretty much gone the way of the dodo and compassionate conservatism. People tend to try and humanize that which they cannot understand, and that's a strong reason as to why the historically scary monster has almost gone the way of the dodo. Even the most famous vampire of them all, the venerable Dracula, had a sense of style about him. He went about his nightly plasma-feasts in a stylish cape, and attended fancy cocktail parties and made chit-chat with comely lasses. But at least Dracula wasn't overly conflicted about his actions. He didn't moan and groan about his natural tendencies. He seduced, then he drained. And if a person was unlucky enough to survive the encounter, that person stood a very good chance of becoming a creature of the night, feeding on the blood of the living, terrified of sunlight and garlic.

Jump ahead a century or so, and the undead nightstalkers have been transformed from black-hearted demons into creatures somehow far worse; emo kids. Blame novelist and recent born-again Anne Rice for this, who began the whole transmogrification of the vampire from beast of legend to mopey teenager with her Lestat series of vampire novels. Yes, Interview with the Vampire was a gothic feast of suppressed longings with hearty dollops of bloodlust, and more importantly, a terrific novel. But as the series went on, and on, and on, it played up the romance and forgot about the horror, with increasingly silly consequences (Memnoch the Devil, anyone?).

Now (and you must have seen this coming at this point in the post), Stephanie Meyer and her Twilight vamps has taken whatever horror was left at the bottom of a nearly empty barrel and chucked it, turning the once-proud vampyre into depressed teenagers who, gosh dang it, just want to fit in and belong. Meyer's creations are not vampires, they're posers (Vamposers? If that term takes off, I want a credit.). They aren't scary, they're soulful. They're not afraid of the sun, they're just a little on the pale side. And they sparkle, like the glittery plasticized My Pretty Ponys that fill the toy chests of young girls. And that's where the vampire is now at: it's an object of adoration for pubescent girls, looking broodily out from the pages of Twilight and Vampire Academy and The House of Night. I'm all for thinking outside the box and trying new things, but the 21st century vampire is a neutered thing, sad and alone, holding his fangs in the palm of his hand and wondering how the hell things got to be so bad.

There have been some attempts made to bring the nastier vampires back out into the sunlight, so to speak; the movie 30 Days of Night - based on the graphic novel by Steve Niles, itself a case of steadily diminishing returns as the series sputters on - for all its faults, certainly tried to make the vampire a creature to be feared rather than pitied. You didn't leave the theatre wishing "If only I could be one of them!" It had copious amounts of gore, moments of real horror, and a lead vampire of utter malevolence. But for the most part, vampires are yesterday's news. Even the movie I am Legend, based on Richard Matheson's stunning novel of the last survivor of a vampire plague, took the insulting step of removing the concept altogether, replacing the sorry vamp with an overly-CGI'd monster that was far more amusing than horrifying.

Is there any hope on the horizon for an undead resurgence? As it stands, even zombies are more popular, and you can't say that they suffer from a surfeit of personality. They're even encroaching on Dracula's Elizabethan upbringings, which must rankle him something fierce.

Well, new steps have been taken to reignite the vampire's career as chief among the fiends. And from the outside, their would appear reason to hope for a triumphant return. Renown Mexican film director Guillermo del Toro is a cinematic fabulist with a dark bent to his more personal efforts. He has proven himself as an able creator of big-budget fantasy/action epics (Hellboy), as well as a vastly talented director of personal visions that effectively mingle the darkest of nightmares with atmosphere and verve (the wonderful Academy Award-winning Pan's Labyrinth, the spectacularly weird Cronos). He's even personally handled the vampire with his Blade II, a sequel which added a new bent to the mythos, although it was far more of an action film than a horror. But look at that punim! You tell me that's not a freaky-deaky monster.

Joining del Toro is Chuck Hogan, a Hammett Award-winning author for his novel Prince of Thieves. Together, the duo have planned a trilogy of vampire horror, a vast epic of horror and dread.

At least, that's the hope. And now arrives The Strain, ground zero for "a horrifying battle between man and vampire that threatens all humanity," if the back cover of the ARC is to be believed. And when you come across such passages as this, a description of one character's experiences at a Nazi concentration camp -
The searing pit. The hungry flames twisting, the greasy smoke lifting away in a kind of hypnotic ballet. And the rhythm of the execution line - gunshot, gun carriage clicking, the soft bouncing tinkle of the bullet casing against the dirt ground - lulled him into a death trance. Staring down into the flames, stripping away flesh and bone, unveiling man for what he is: mere matter. Disposable, crushable, flammable sacks of meat - easily revertible to carbon.
- you get a sense of real old-school horror making its resurgence.

And how I would dearly love for that to be so. The zombie novels of
David Wellington and Brian Keene are all well and good and bloody disgusting, but I miss the concept of a monster with a personality. But while
The Strain is as gruesome and dripping red as one could hope, its overall impact as a horror novel is decidedly light. There is a definite feeling that more del Toro and less Hogan could have improved things tremendously.


To its credit, Strain begins with a terrifically tense first act; a plane lands at JFK Airport in New York, and immediately afterward goes completely silent. After calling in the experts, including Ephraim Goodweather of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the plane is cracked open to reveal a surplus of dead bodies with no discernible method of death. Quarantining the lot, Goodweather takes command of the examination of the bodies, which soon begin to display strange tendencies not usually associated with the recently deceased.

The first half of The Strain is where the mix of classic horror and 21st technology works the best. There is real menace in the early going-ons, and the authors expertly raise the tension through the addition of flashbacks to the life of Abraham Setrakian, the novel's Van Helsing, who became obsessed with tracking down the monsters after an encounter at the Treblinka extermination camp in World War II. There are also glimpses of an overarching narrative that will no doubt be fleshed out in the second and third novels, a hint that there is far more to the vampire empire than the almost mindless creatures that begin decimating the neighbourhoods of Manhattan.

There is also a concerted effort to explain the biological aspects of vampirism; or at least, these vampires. This comes as no surprise considering del Toro's past; Blade II has an absolutely lovely autopsy scene of a vampire hybrid, complete with blood, guts, a heart sheathed in bone, and an autonomic nervous system that won't be content to shut down. This can lead to slightly clunky exposition, as the characters are prone to spouting their explanations in medical techspeak; "It engorges as they feed. The flesh flushes almost crimson, their eyeballs, their cuticles. This stinger, as you call it, is in fact a reconversion, a repurposing of the old pharynx, trachea, and lung sacs with the newly developed flesh...The vampire can expel this organ from its own chest cavity, shooting out well over four and up to even six feet." But it's good that someone has at last tried to present the vampire as a functioning biological being rather than a supernatural force. These vampires do deviate from the norm somewhat, what with their extensible tongues that can infect you from across a room in place of the more classic fangs of yore, but at least they're true monsters.

Where Strain disappoints is in the creation of terror. Perhaps it's del Toro's cinematic background, but the narrative is shallow, with very little in the way of deeper characterization. Goodweather is a bland lead, with the stereotypical ex-wife and son that he absolutely must save. Setrakian is more interesting, but as a vampire hunter, he's had the more interesting life. But his main purpose appears to be to fill in the gaps of the narrative. Other characters flit in and out, but make little impact.

And the vampires themselves? At the present, they're little better than zombies. Hopefully in the sequels they take on some life, as it were, but in The Strain they serve only as mindless obstacles to overcome.

Which is where the novel truly disappoints. The lack of strong characters, and the focus on action and shocks, would work far better on the screen. As a novel, terror can only truly be achieved if the reader has an empathy for the characters, a vested interest in their survival. If you take Stephen King's 'Salem's Lot as a template (and fair or not, it is still the gold medal standard of modern vampire fiction), The Strain comes up far short. King provided characters of depth, which made their eventual outcomes more emotionally wrenching. del Toro and Hogan try, but end up giving us ciphers, good for moving the plot along, but unable to create interest beyond the superficial "wait until you see what happens next" variety.

There is a lot of pleasure to be had with The Strain, and despite del Toro's protestations that a movie will never happen, the almost-inevitable adaptation should be great fun. And perhaps as a trilogy, the novel's flaws will diminish as being the product of first act jitters. But there's no denying that The Strain is somewhat limp, a fast-paced actioneer that sacrifices emotional terror for gross-out gore. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just saying.

MONKEY LIKES, BUT ONLY JUST

May 18, 2009

Star Wars!, or, how Jedi mind tricks can enliven a humdrum day

Things to do on a rainy day presents:

Star Wars Punch-Out Action Figure Fun Day!
A dramatization in pictures and words.

Boy, what a dull day! Nothing to do, nothing to do. And sheesh, I don't want to actually do anything productive, like write or something.

Ooh, look, kids! A Star Wars Punch Out and Play! action fun-time extravaganza arrived in the mail! Just in the nick of time! I was perilously close to being bored! Time to get started!

Whew! That was a long twelve minutes! But well worth the effort! Look how cool they are!

AWESOME! Take that, Threepio, you uptight mass of useless circuits!

But whatever will I do with them besides re-enact my favourite scenes both real and imagined? I'll have to weigh the pros and cons, asking the good and evil sides of my brain to help me navigate this delicate conundrum.

I know! I'll get a shelf monk to join my shelf monkeys! It fits with the theme, and protects them from the dark side of dust and mildew.

I'll use the powers of both the light and dark sides of the force to help me with my culinary skills!

Don't be afraid to use a store-bought BBQ sauce, my young apprentice!

Feel the force of the steak's natural juices flowing through you!

I'll use them to keep my cat mildly entertained for three seconds!

Run, Luke, run! The rancor is behind you!

LOLCats, eat your cutie muffin hearts out!

They can serve as handy television decorations, letting your friends know just how important the Star Wars universe is to you every time you invite them over for a Futurama sleepover.

They can add spice to even the most humdrum of road trips. Even my '94 Saturn can be a Millennium Falcon, thanks to Star Wars Punch Out and Play!

Who knew Yoda was such an effective gardener?

Boy, that sure was a fun day! Good-bye, Star Wars friends! I hope to play with you again real soon!

Wait, I live here.

Monkey droppings - short people ain't got no reason to terrorize us

In today's exciting episode, a master lets down his audience.




Pygmy

by Chuck Palahniuk


Agent 67 has a slight problem. The terrorist operative, dubbed ‘Pygmy’ by his ignorant classmates, has infiltrated an American high school as a foreign exchange student from an anonymous totalitarian country. He and his fellow operatives plan to unleash “Operation Havoc” on an unsuspecting populace, but the perils of America’s consumerist society present unexpected challenges.

Chuck Palahniuk also has a problem. The American author rose to substantial prominence with his brilliant debut novel Fight Club, a blistering attack on American culture that read as part manifesto, part roaring good read.

Since then, Palahniuk has carved himself a comfy niche as an edgy cult satirist who never shies away from the profane, the scatological, and the painfully biological. It says much about Palahniuk’s canon of work that his last novel, Snuff, concerning a porn star trying to break the world record for the most sexual partners in one day, was a relatively tame affair for him.

Palahniuk’s problem is; where can he go from here? Efforts such as Diary and Lullaby revealed an author unafraid to travel new avenues, and his often-astonishing novel Rant gave us a glimpse of a true heir to the late J.G. Ballard, but other works such as Snuff and Haunted played to Palahniuk's worst tendencies, and found the well of pop culture topics running precariously dry.

Enter Pygmy, Palahniuk’s tenth novel, another assault on the western way of life that is guaranteed to offend almost everyone in some way, and a large step backward for the novelist. Palahniuk assails themes such as consumerism, sexuality, religion, peer pressure, school shootings, xenophobia, conformity, and individuality with his usual abandon, but Pygmy finds an author on a downward curve, content to use novelty and shock in place of content and substance.

Presented as ongoing communiqués from agent 67 to his masters, Pygmy is written in a pidgin English dialect that is initially off-putting. The lack of definitive articles and adjectives leads to a novel written solely in sentences such as “For official record, during American winter youth attend compulsive levels of teaching; during summer, American youth must attend shopping mall.”

The concept is not entirely successful (why would Pygmy write reports in English rather than his native tongue?), but it can lead to some offbeat and memorable descriptions of western culture. When Pygmy visits a Wal-Mart, the store presents itself as “squirrel maze of retail distribution centre puzzle of competition warring objects, all improved, all package within fire colors…All object printed: Love me. Look me. Million speaking objects, begging. Crown American consumer with power of king, to rescue choose and give home or abandon here for expire.”

It’s an interesting choice to be sure, and one that is sure to garner praise in some quarters for its ‘bravery’. However, the structure proves too limiting, and seldom does the conceit rise above anything other than a gimmick.

In the past, Palahniuk has demonstrated an ability to leaven the more outrageous aspects of his novels with a deep understanding of character. Pygmy’s construction discourages such empathy, giving us a cipher for a protagonist and a series of increasingly bizarre proceedings that jolt and titillate, but never impress as being anything more than snapshots.

By Pygmy’s end, Palahniuk’s style has drained the story of all possible tension, resulting in a book that reads as unfocused rage at anything and everything. What should have been invigorating, as in Fight Club and Choke, is instead airless and empty, a shell of a good idea.

It’s far too early to declare an end to Palahniuk’s reign as the preeminent alternative author in America, but Pygmy finds the author running on empty. Pygmy has big themes and an enormous potential for effective satire, but in the end, Pygmy is, well, small.

MONKEY IS DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED

Originally published (heavily expurgated version) in the Winnipeg Free Press, April 17, 2009.

May 15, 2009

Monkey Droppings - mythical monsters get the celluloid treatment

Just a quick little bite together, but more tomorrow.

Through the grapevine that is the Internet I have stumbled across the following news:

They are actually going to attempt a movie version of Steven Sherrill's brilliantly absurd The Minotaur Takes a Cigarette Break.

Now, I won't comment on the fact that the director is best known for Kung Fu Panda, mostly because I have not seen it. And I am happy for Mr. Sherrill, as this means more people will take to his wonderful work.

But the novel is one of those heart-breakingly tiny pieces, full of tiny moments and perfect stillness. It is a novel of grace and intelligence. Yes, it is about a Minotaur who works as a short-order cook, but it is as finely-tuned a piece of literature as anything by Jose Saramago or Mordecai Richler. It does not scream out, "Movie!"


Please don't let them screw this up.

May 7, 2009

Bill C-61 - the basics

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not exactly political by nature. And I do try not get up on my high horse, although I'm hardly successful.

But Bill C-61, the Canadian government's legislation concerning copyright in the digital age, is a joke, a monstrosity that turns its back on the last twenty years of digital advancement in favour of out-dated ideas and the interests of a few multi-nationals who fear loss of revenue.

It's a complicated issue, to be sure, but this short documentary (narrated by Cory Doctorow) lays out the issues quite clearly, and lets you know how devestating this bill could be to artists, educators, librarians, and the general public, to say nothing of artistic freedom or the right to actually own what you;ve purchased.

Please, give it a watch. And do whatever you can to keep such legislation down. It's your freedom too.


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